Well, it hasn't quite been a week since week 1 but I thought I'd let y'all know what the hades happened to me.
Rule #1 - you will refrain from reading this if you are going to judge me in any way! I'm on a hearty dose of Oxycodone, Valium and decadron :) Who knows what will come out of my mouth, but hey, I think I'm funny :)
Rule #2 - Laugh at me :) Why not! It's worth it!
Okay, so I told you in my last post that I had on these fabulous pair of shoes for Loren's Kindergarten Easter Party. I fell like an old fart! Where was my life-alert necklace? I just stepped wrong on the high-heal and whoop on my rump (right in front of the principal no less). So despite the doctors here crabbing about how I should have stopped, put my foot up, iced it. . .blah blah blah, let's be honest, how many of you moms would have disappointed your daughter in front of her classmates saying, "I fell on my butt and couldn't go hide your Easter Eggs, set out your easter crafts or prepare your Easter Snacks or lunch." Yeah, just what I though. . .your daughter comes before any darn foot!
So, I hefted myself around, often crawling, hoisting, rolling, whatever would get me from point A to B all the while going in the bathroom to cry my eyes out when the pain in my foot was too intense. So then, the party is over at 1:00 (I fell at 8:00) and I get in the car to drive Andrea home. I thought, "Ill get out at her house, put up my foot and ice it." WRONG. I got to her house, tried to get out of the car and collapsed on the driveway because ZERO weight would go on my foot. I couldn't walk tippie toe, couldn't walk heel, nothing. Thank goodness it was my left foot and not my right so I could drive home. I had crutches from when I tore the miniscus in my knee so Maddie (my neighbor daughter who I coudln't live without) ran them out to me! She had to combat the abyss to get them and she survived. Her bravery is commendable.
I went inside and called the Dr. because I was SURE I broke my foot. I went to urgent care and they evaluated it and all I had done was to do a doozy of a sprain on my foot. They said that I was lucky because foot sprains are easy to heal from -- 2 days resting, 1 week back to normal activities. Little did they know. . .
So Thursday at 5:00 am I woke up thinking, "Who the heck is screaming at the top of their lungs? This is rediculous." It was me!!!!! My back. . .oh holyhell my back!!! Mike called the doctor as I lay there writhing. She said to take some percocet (they'd given me for my foot) and call her if it wasn't better. I told Mike to go to work. I took the percocet, Mike brought me some coffee and heating pad and I laid in bed. An hour later I had to PEE! So somehow I made it to the bathroom and thank God I took my phone with me. I got stuck between sitting and standing. What do you do???? Right? I'm screaming with no one to help me. . .Yeah, I just peed all over the floor, my clothes and I called mike. I stood there in a pee infested 1/2 crouch for 30 minutes. He texted and said I've called Belinda (the pastors wife) to come help you. I think my call went something like this "I SWEAR TO EVERYTHING HOLY IF YOU DON'T CALL HER TO TELL HER TO TURN AROUND I WILL NEVER EVER FORGIVE YOU. I DON'T WANT ANYONE TO SEE ME HERE BUTT TO THE WIND, PEE ON THE FLOOR IN A HALF MAD CROUCH!" Needless to say, Belinda didn't show up.
30 minutes later we got to the doctors office. I don't know how we got to the car. I think I might have actually passed out. At the doctors office poor mike is trying to help me. It reminded me a lot of my labor. "MIKE HELP ME! GET YOUR BLOODY HANDS OFF ME OR LOOSE THEM!" Yeah, I was a ball of sunshine. The doctor didn't even see me she sent me right down to the ER where they pumped me with SIX mg of morphine (just for reference, they give surgery patients 2 mg). . .also for reference, ask anyone, I don't take pills unless I'm on my death bed. I'm against medication unless I NEED it. They go, "where is your pain level." Through the tears and screams I say, "I would rather be giving birth to my 9lb 6oz son without an epidural right now!"
They gave me an MRI, and admitted me because the pain was giving me a fever (102). That MRI was HELL. My nose was touching the top of the machine and they had my arms wedged because the pain was so intense I kept thrashing. I was hyperventilating . . . I'm claustrophobic and this was awful! I think I did breathing exercises with every other word being a curse :(!
So, Friday I finally got some answers. It seems as though I had a freak accident when I fell OR when I was overcompensating for my foot. I have a bulge in my disk. It's not to the right, not to the left but in the dead center. It happens. Normal procedure is to go in, give a few shots of steroid to the spot and send you home. I'm on coumadin. Won't work. So I've been given IV Steroid. IT'S WORKING!!! So, I'll be home in a few days.
So how do I survive in a hospital when I feel extremely healthy except my back? I work on that 33 in 33 list. I've taken a picture a day and I've read! Ready?
So here I am at the Urgent Care when I thought for sure I had broke my foot! Look how swollen and purple my pinkie toe is. Doggonit!
Book Number 1: Catching Fire - The second book in the Hunger Games Trilogy. Mike and I did the unthinkable! We saw Hunger Games without reading the book. It.was.awesome! We went out and bought the second book right away so that we could know what happens next. Book 2 - Really really good!!!!! I loved it! We had fun reading this together!
Book 3 - The Mockingjay. Book 3 in the Hunger Games Trilogy. ARE.YOU.KIDDING.ME? That sucked. That was the stupidest book I've ever read in my life. Okay, overstatement . . .but really???? STUPID STUPID STUPID. Waste of my time. Grrr. No likey icky poopoo butt. 
Okay, last night was horrible with my IV. It hurt like a son-of-a-gun. I mean seriously. The night shift nurse was so sweet and she said she could pull it and give me a new one. Fine. I told her that I have seriously rotten veins. They are small, they roll, they are springy, they suck. I've heard it all. I am used to when they tell me I need an IV I will be getting stuck at least 2 times. It is rare to get a "first stick" no matter "how good you are." So, she left the old one in and checked my veins. She looks at me and says, "I'm not even going to try. Those veins suck. I will call IV Therapy in the morning and they can take care of it. She can still flush it (and more importantly give me my steroid through it) so we decide to leave it, pain and all. At 3:00 am I can't take it. It hurts. She has to pull it. IT WAS ALMOST IN THE SHAPE OF A LETTER "O". No wonder it hurt. So she tried, God love her to get two in. The veins blew, of course. So they called "The Best IV putter inner on staff tonight." She came up and says, "I can get it in your hand, no problem." I think I threatened her first born, the safety of her rear-end and her vehicle if she even thought about my hand :)! So, she finally found a good one in my wrist. Not the best, but it works! She got it on first stick! Here's my lovely arm with two blown veins:
Book 3 - Are You There Vodka? It's Me Chelsea.
Holy cow. Rule #1 If you hurt your back, don't read a book by Chelsea handler. Laughing will cause your back to spasm and you will end up crying because A) you are hurting and B) you are laughing so hard. Between "Big Reds pubic hair resembling Bozo Clown in a leg lock" and her trying to get a massage where it ends with "Dim Sum calling her a 'bad bad girl we give no sucky suck in dis place you wesbian' when she asked them to use their hands not a towel to give her her massage." I'm laughing so hard but I can't do a real laugh because it HURTS! I end up giving this long loud grunt :) I'm in happy town people!
So check back tomorrow for more Oxycodone Induced Blogs! whoot whoot!
